Loudest. Human. Ever.

I joined my father for a Phillies game Wednesday night. We’ve been going to games for more than thirty years, and this season got dangerously close to ending before we found a date to go, so I am very glad we kept our streak going. Of course, the Phillies lost miserably to the Rockies, 12-0, looking sick in the process. Lousy pitching, flubbed plays, no offense, too many LOB, etc., etc., etc. The highlight of the game was the Phillies turning a 5-4 triple play in the first inning, neatly dealing with the runners on first and second and the batter in one quick play. I’ve never seen a triple play, so that was great to see.

All of that is beside the point of this post. The point here is to bring to your attention the loudest human ever. Really. Sadly, I don’t know his name, but this guy is something else.

Loudest. Human. Ever.

I recognize it’s not a great picture, but it’s from my phone, as that’s all I had.

I hardly know how to convey a credible account of sitting two rows in front of this man. First off, he was loud. I’ve been to two different world series and three different playoffs, and I’ve seen a lot of excited people. I will grant that this guy wasn’t louder than people with a world series on the line, but he’s surely the loudest regular season fan. Second, his exclamations were not triggered by exciting developments on the field. The triple play would have elicited lusty cheering from any Phillies fan, but this guy bellowed over every thing that crossed his mind. If the beer vendor walked by, we heard this guy’s whole amusing repertory of beer patter. Every time the beer guy came by, we heard it all again. Same with programs, hot dogs, soda, popcorn, and every other item being sold. When a Boy Scout walked by, we heard him declare, “I used to be a Scout!”

As the innings progressed, I came to think that he was giving voice to every thought that crossed his mind. Every single flicker of cognition had its vocal counterpart. I started to wonder about how he must burst in his regular life, when he wasn’t free to bellow nonstop about every witticism that occurred to him. The other fans around me all assumed, like I did, when the game started, that he couldn’t possibly keep going, but after six innings, we all realized – he wasn’t going to stop. Even when the Phillies were losing 9-0, he discussed every at bat, every pop up, every bobbled catch, ad nauseum

His language was nearly all clean, and that surprised me, since profanity seems to go hand in hand with with beer and hollering. He deserves credit for keeping his commentary mostly family friendly. His friends baffled me, too, as they were silent. They didn’t hush him, they didn’t goad him, they didn’t guffaw over this – I came to think they didn’t hear him at all. Amazing.

Anyway, in case you are ever asked, “who was the loudest human ever?” I hope you think of this guy, in Section 134 of Citizens Bank Park.

Loudest. Human. Ever.


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